stumbling toward divinity

i am soaring to new self care highs!

So, yesterday I drove up to the city and met with my new Spiritual Director.  It's been a process finding one that I think is a good fit for me, but I think I did it this time.  I had a good initial conversation with my new SD, and I am looking forward to continuing to figure out this whole spiritual direction thing.

Then, I took a nice bike ride.  Unfortunately, I have not been as good at riding this bike as I should be.  But, yesterday was too nice and I wasn't allowing any of my sad and tired excuses to work this time.  So I pulled out the bike and took a nice ride out into the country.  I almost ran over a snake and saw a wild turkey and enjoyed the nice sunshine and the cool breeze (until I had to turn around and drive into it).  It was a good day and has re-motivated me to get back out on the bike while I still can.

Now, today, I am getting the opportunity to hang out with some good friends.  Like, an entire day of socializing.  Once my friend returns my phone call, that is.

So, I feel like I'm practicing good spiritual, physical and social self care this weekend.  Yay for me!

operation: self-care update

Some of you might remember that I decided to try to improve my self-care habits in three major areas.  I was going to apply for a spiritual director, ride my bike, and eat better.

Let's just say, if I was evaluated for these goals the way I was evaluated in high school, that I'd be repeating a grade.

As far as eating better goes, I go in fits and spurts.  There are times when I get fired up about eating better, and I go to the store and buy all sorts of healthy foods to eat and prepare.  But then I get tired of making food for myself.  I think, "I could get up and make that pasta dish that sounds good in the Moosewood cookbook... OR I could drive through nearby fastfood restaurant and be back here in 14 minutes with an already prepared meal, and a large soda pop."  Unfortunately, it's the second option that starts to win.  I know I need to get better, I mean, I've seen the movie Supersize Me.  I know what too much fastfood can do to a person.  But sometimes convenience wins over knowledge.

Bike riding has been a similar situation.  There are times I find time to ride my bike a couple days in a row.  But then I go a day or two where I don't ride, maybe because I don't feel well or have a day of meetings and such and don't get back to my house at a reasonable time, and then I fall off the wagon and just forget to go out and do it.  It's not that I don't enjoy it, or don't want to do it, it's just that I don't think about it.  And now it's starting to get cold, and I'm not sure that I'm that hardcore of a cyclist...

Applying for a spiritual director was the only goal that I was proud of.  I mean, I sent in my application a long time ago - the end of August I believe.  Since then I have been contacted, by e-mail, by the director of the center about four times.  One of them was to ask if a certain spiritual director had contacted me about meeting him.  I wrote her back and said not yet, but now I would be anxiously awaiting it.  She responded, saying that she had talked with him and he was going to be out of state for a few months while his house was being built, and that this was a recent development.  She said she had another spiritual director in mind and would have her contact me.  And that is where I am at now.  It's been a couple weeks since that conversation and I have yet to hear from anyone.

So, even the one goal that I felt I was doing well on is not going so well.  And it is not my own doing.

Blah.

operation: self-care update

If I'm honest, that previous post isn't the only thing I was thinking whilst cycling today.  It just seemed to be the prominent thought amidst the heat and the hills and the humidity.  I took the usual route, but it was the hardest it's been today, I think.  But still I refuse to be discouraged!  I shall continue cycling!  The random songs that rotated through my head today seemed to be extremely random.  They were, in no particular order, "Too Shy" by Eighties one hit wonder group Kajagoogoo; "Grow Old With You," by Adam Sandler from the movie The Wedding Singer; and "The Luckiest," by Ben Folds Five.  So, it was a tough day, but at least it was accompanied by good music.  And if I can get through the not so good days, then I'll only get better!

I received an e-mail from the executive director of the spiritual formation center today.  They haven't found a match for me, yet, but she wanted to know if I wanted to stay in my immediate area or if I was willing to drive a little distance to meet with my director.  I replied and said that, if the match were good, I'd be willing to drive a little.  So, I don't have a match yet, but at least I know that the executive director is in the midst of discerning it.  Things are moving along on that.

As far as the eating goes, over Labor Day I was camping with some friends, and while I was camping we ate some fairly healthy food.  Well, healthy compared to fast food fare.  I'm anxiously awaiting the lowfat cookbook from Moosewood, expertly recommended by More Cows on one of my previous posts.  I checked out the website for Moosewood, and read reviews of the book on Amazon, and it seemed like worth a shot.  So I can't wait for it to get here so that I can try out some of the easier recipes!

I was thinking, also, that what happens when/if I get into a routine with these goals and start doing well?  Do I come up with new goals?  Or do I kick these up a notch?  And, if I choose to kick these up a notch, what will that look like?  However, I suppose that is putting the cart before the horse, because I have a ways to go before I think I've achieved these to a satisfactory level...

another installment of random thoughts while cycling

Well, I got the bike out.  It was too nice of a day not to, and plus I was unable to come up with any excuses as to why I couldn't/shouldn't.

And as soon as I was out of my garage and pedaling down the street, I was reminded why I really enjoy getting out there on that bike, and it made me wonder why I had put off getting out there for so long.

My inner soundtrack consisted of one song, this time.  That's pretty understandable because this song has been stuck in my head for the past few days.  It's the musical artist Mika's homage to voluptuous women - or, as I learned from my former blogging friend Omis (before he went and joined the Jesuits) zaftig women.  The song is Big Girl (You Are Beautiful), and you can see the video for it here.

Most of the time on my ride I was thinking about my self-care goals.  I sent in the application for a spiritual director, and I found the letter that they had sent me along with the app.  It described the process this way:  They send me an application.  I fill it out, answering the questions to the best of my ability.  I send it back to them.  The executive director of this spiritual formation center prayerfully reads my application, and then prayerfully considers the spiritual directors in the area who have gone through their training.  This part could take up to two weeks, the letter says.  When a match seems apparent to her, she sends the application to the spiritual director she thinks would be good, and then this person prayerfully considers whether we'd be a good match.  If s/he considers it to be a good match, then s/he contacts me and we set up a first meeting.  This is quite the process!  But it excites me that the end result could be a good spiritual director match for me.  So I'm willing to wait.

I was glad that I finally got my bike out, and was reminded of why it's good to keep cycling and to not take such long breaks.  I remembered one time I raced a train to the intersection so that I could cross over and not have to wait for it to pass by.  As I was riding my bike by this railroad track again today, I didn't think I had it in me to race the train if it were to be there again.  Luckily it wasn't.  My normal route took me longer than it has in the past, but I was taking it easy worrying more about just getting the miles in than setting any sort of personal record for time.

The past couple times I've been at bookstores/stores with books, I've been looking at various cookbooks.  For many years I've been toying with this idea or inclination that I could be a vegetarian.  Or at least eat less meat than I do.  So, as I've been looking at these cookbooks I've been particularly focused on vegetarian cookbooks.  The only thing is, the ones I've found seem to be intended for gourmet cooks, or at least those with more experience in the kitchen than I have.  I can't seem to find a book with simple, easy vegetarian recipes that taste good and make sure I get all the nutrients that I need.  Does anybody know of one or two that they would recommend?  I would greatly appreciate it!

long overdue self-care update

I sent in the application for a spiritual director.  I'm not quite sure how the process goes, exactly, or how long it takes, but they say they prayerfully match people up with people in the area who have gone through their Spiritual Director course.  I'm assuming that they know what they're doing, as they've been at this for a while, so I am putting some trust in this process and also that the Spirit is able to work through it.  We'll see how it goes.

After I drove by the mailbox and dropped the application in, I drove to a nearby suburb to meet a colleague for lunch.  I was a bit early and she's usually late, so I had some time to kill at the Barnes and Noble.  As I was perusing the shelves, I found the book "Spiritual Direction" which is a compilation of work by Henri Nouwen compiled by two of his acquaintances/students/directees.  I thought that perhaps there was a bit of Divine intervention, and it made me forget the other books I was looking for, so I bought it.

In other self-care news, I have not been riding my bike lately.  I need to get motivated.

And I'm choosing to not even mention the whole "eating better" thing.  That's how well that's been going.  I have no self control.

embarking on a new adventure

Well, I wasn't sure what category to put this particular entry in...  So I chose "Life in General," because that's the category that I put stuff in that has to do with general issues of life... hence the title.  But, I also chose "self-care" because it's an attempt to start a new hobby, something to do that doesn't involve church, or being at church, or dealing with issues from church.

You see, I bought a book, hoping that this book will help me embark on a new adventure.  Here's a picture of this book:

Yeah...  So, I have known several people that do homebrew.  And I've tasted a lot of homebrew.  And it's been something that I've wanted to try for myself.  So I went ahead and bought this book, which I've heard is a good one for first timers.  We'll have to see how it goes...  Hopefully it goes better than some of my other pursuits, such as bread baking (which I'm not ready to give up on entirely, either).

I'll have to let you know how it goes.

sometimes

sometimes there are days in your ministry when you wonder how long you can last.  the work seems too hard or too thankless.  you don't feel as if you're connecting with anyone or doing anything meaningful.  you wonder if you will be one of those statistics who didn't last five years past their ordination before they moved on to other pastures.

it's ok if you've felt that way.  this is a safe place.  i'll admit i've felt that way.

but sometimes...  things happen and you connect with people from your congregation in ways that make you feel as if there really is a reason you are here.  there are times when you are standing there, with people from your congregation, and you feel as if you could stay there for years and years and years, and still be very happy.  there are times when you think that you'll last far longer than those five years.  you'll be one of those 75 year old pastors who's still chugging along and doing the work God called her/him to do.

and those times somehow make all the other times seem worth it.

self-care log #2

I have to say, I'm a little disappointed.  I didn't make it out for my bike ride today...  It'll be the first day this week that I didn't get out for a ride.  Things just got busy, with work in the morning and then a meeting at the Other Seminary in the afternoon, by the time I got back it was time to start thinking about getting ready for the church service this evening.  Then, after that, I realized I hadn't eaten supper.  So, in direct oppostion to one of my self-care goals, I opted for convenience and did the drive-thru thing.  Ugh.

But I keep telling myself that I've already ridden 40 miles on the bike this week.  Which is already equal to the amount I rode last week.  So, at least I'm doing good with that whole aspect of my self-care goals.  And the great thing is that I LOVE riding my bike.  A few years ago, I decided I was going to run a marathon with some friends.  There were days that I literally had to force myself outside to run with my friends.    And even more days where I wondered what the heck I was doing as I was running down the street, about half a mile behind my friends who made it look so easy.  But, with my bike, I actually want to get out there and do it.  I love riding on the roads outside of town, and the challenge of getting up the steep hills, and the way I feel after finishing the ride.  It's just good all around.

Now, I know what you're thinking.  You're noticing that I've talked about two of my three previously mentioned self-care goals.  So, you're wondering what about that spiritual director, right?  Yeah, I figured you were wondering about that.  Well, let's just say that I know where the application is, I've read over the questions, and I know that I need to fill it out and send it in.  It's in the works.

So, really, if you think about it...  I'm only 1 for 3 with my self-care goals.  That's not a very good record.  I need to get on track!!

operation: self-care log #1

Since I bought my bike this past Monday, I have put in approximately 40 miles.  And I'm just getting started!  I've been going kind of gung-ho about this whole biking thing since I've started.  I have this desire to buy all sorts of gear and apparel, but I'm reigning myself in until I prove to myself that I'm in this for the long haul.  I think I'm doing good, so far.  I'm proud of myself for the 40 miles I've put in.

As far as the spiritual director goes, the application is still sitting on my desk.  But I will get it in soon.  I promise!!

Then there's the whole "eating better" thing.  This hasn't been going so well.  Of course, it hasn't helped that I've had guests at my house almost this entire week, and when they've been here we've gone out to eat.  But at least it wasn't at greasy fast food places, and I did try to be a bit mindful of what I was ordering.  I also figure that the bike riding I've been doing has helped counteract some of the unhealthiness factor of the food I've been eating.  At least it makes me feel better...

Stay tuned for more updates!